


"Long Live Uther" (and he did)

by themadlurker



Category: Le Morte d'Arthur, Merlin (BBC)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-21
Updated: 2009-07-21
Packaged: 2017-10-08 05:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/73037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fate has a way of making things work out, even when you totally muck things up the first time around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Long Live Uther" (and he did)

**Author's Note:**

> Crack!fic crossover with Malory's Morte Darthur, with a bit of Disney and T. H. White thrown in for good measure.

The trouble with thwarting destiny, Merlin discovers, is that it tends to thwart back. Uther Pendragon, depressingly hale and hearty at 65, shows no signs of making way for the great and glorious reign of Arthur, who has recently gone off in a fit of sullen rage to conquer Rome. Merlin really did intend to go along on the expedition, honestly, but after all these years it's gotten wearying saving Arthur from the evil/mad sorcerer of the week, so when Arthur says, "Oh, why don't you just stay at home and count the chickens," Merlin says, "oh, alright, then," and does. He stays in Camelot, that is, not counts the chickens, though he does get very bored one day and enchants all the roosters to crow at different pitches. Uther wakes up the next morning and says, "I suppose it's too much to ask that someone find the sorcerer who did this? Right, then, make it known throughout the court that we're having chicken stew at the feast tonight. And ask the king of Mercia to send us two dozen royal cocks."

Merlin tries to feel guilty about the chickens, but they're very tasty and he gets to sleep late for almost two weeks until the replacement poultry arrives. Meanwhile, he treats a few people for stomach complaints (which he would swear had nothing to do with enchantment, but rather with noblemen who don't know when they've had enough). Gaius, who has had the decency to age ungracefully, sits in a corner of the room loudly asking Merlin to describe the symptoms and occasionally adding in a loud whisper, "Best not to mention magic, Merlin! Just tell them you're using a herbal concoction, though the lord knows how incompetant you are with true medicine." His patients politely pretend not to hear this sort of thing and thank Merlin for his "herbal remedies" on their way out.

Word eventually comes back that Arthur has married some Roman woman, and Uther is very pleased indeed about the prospect of expanding Albion to include the great Roman Empire, except then Arthur goes and gets himself killed by an angry goat a few weeks later, and isn't _that_ embarassing for Merlin and his destiny, not to mention Uther, who starts getting very vague when asked about his son's well-fare. Ultimately, Uther comes to Merlin looking a bit red in the face and asks if there isn't something that can be done about an heir, and making what Merlin thinks are slightly inappropriate remarks about his ward's beauty and general willingness to do what's best for Camelot. Merlin just makes a lot of humming and hawing noises and says, "I'm not sure what there is to be done, sire. I could recommend some herbs, possibly," and tries hard not to think about what Morgana will do if she sees something like _this_ in the future, because he's pretty sure she'll go farther than slamming the door in Uther's face.

Uther gets a very odd look then, and sort of mutters, "Yes, but can't you... you know... _do_ something?"

Merlin just stares at him blankly, though, and the king sweeps out in a huff.

The next day Uther gathers his court and announces that, "I hereby declare the use of magic to be permitted within Camelot, if practiced by the duly appointed Court Magician -- Merlin, that's you. Somebody send out messages across the land or something. Oh, and for goodness' sake, mention that the court is in need of a proper physician."

Merlin thinks he should be vaguely insulted by how unsurprised everyone around him seems by this announcement, but then it has become pretty common for someone to show up at his rooms with a "bad cough" when the kingdom needs of a bit of sorcery in a good cause, and at least no one's threatening to cut off his head. Instead, Merlin just gets pestered by increasingly awkward visits from the King, who finally stops asking about Morgana only to start asking just how bad necromancy is, anyway, which is when Merlin moves into one of the topmost towers and stops receiving anyone except between the hours of 9:00 and 9:30 on the second day of every lunar month. Uther doesn't give up easily, though, and Merlin finally agrees (with Morgana's express permission) to a glamour that will make Uther a bit more easy on the eyes. If the glamour makes him look a bit... feminine... well, a bit like Gwen, actually, Merlin's not asking any questions.

She finally gives birth to a daughter, whom Uther immediately declares to be completely useless for the purposes of succession. Morgana understandably takes umbrage at this, and she and baby Morgan le Fay disappear off into the woods somewhere to resent the patriarchy in peace. Uther gets even more unbearable, and after the third time that Merlin has to say that he absolutely is not, no way, going to set Uther up with some woman while her husband is off getting killed on the battlefield, he decides it would be better for all involved if he just left Camelot for a while. He takes the opportunity to travel the land a bit and perfect some spells that don't involve "male-enchantment formulas," until he finally hears that Uther has pegged it at a really ridiculous age. Merlin breathes a sigh of relief, and halfway across the realm so do the kitchen maids of Camelot.

Uther's lords get quarrelsome when he dies, so Merlin finds some likely looking lad nobody else wants to claim, and starts putting about rumours that Uthur got friendly with the boy's mother a decade or so past. He doesn't know why the kid appeals to him so much as a potential king, unless it's a bit of self-projection, because the kid's foster brother treats him pretty much exactly the way Arthur used to boss Merlin around.

The complete lack of prattish arrogance is a nice touch for a future ruler, too. He spirits the boy off for an afternoon and makes bits of crockery dance around his head while serving him anachronistic tea cakes (which are the best thing about the 19th century, in his opinion). He almost chokes on a biscuit when he discovers that the boy's foster family has been calling him "Wart" ever since they forgot his birth name, and a perverse sense of humour makes Merlin declare gravely that his true name is Arthur and he is destined to be the "Once and Future King."

"And it is my destiny, young Arthur, to be your councillor and aide, to work in defense of you and all the realm."

"Did you really know King Uther?" the boy asks with wide and credulous eyes.

"Uh, well. *ahem* Yes, I did. I, uh, introduced him to your mother as a matter of fact, very nice woman, here, have another cup of tea."

Merlin sends the boy off home, and then waits until everyone's in church one day and does a frankly impressive bit of special effects with lightning and so forth before plonking down this honestly ridiculous block of stone in the courtyard, with a really ominous looking inscription for the people to puzzle over. He lets them stew for a bit before prodding "Arthur" forward to pull the sword out (after some well-muscled Knights of the Realm have had a go, of course). A few more special effects, and then Merlin pops out of hiding to exclaim that this is Arthur Pendragon, that same infant that Uther Pendragon entrusted to his care one night many years ago. Nobody even blinks at the idea that Uther used the same name for his second heir; Uther was a very uncreative man and everyone knows he had a tendency to repeat himself when he got obsessive with things, such as: magic, sex, heirs, or combinations of the three.

So mostly, things go very smoothly. There's a bit of awkwardness when Arthur ends up in bed with Morgan and it comes out that she's his "half-sister." Then Morgan goes and has a kid out of the bargain and names it after her adoptive uncle the druid. Arthur freaks out a little about the whole thing, and tries to have the kid killed, which Merlin thinks is very irresponsible, not to mention a pretty weird bit of symmetry with past events. Actually, a lot of familiar names start popping up in Merlin's life, and if he were a bit cynical, he'd suspect that fate was still having a go at him for letting Arthur (the original one) get killed. Still, things seem to work themselves out more or less for the best, even if it ends a bit badly. Everybody seems pretty upset about it when Arthur (the new one) dies, so he tries to cheer them up by saying that he's just gone off to Avalon for a bit to rest up. Someday, he will return...

After all, just about anyone can be King Arthur these days.


End file.
